It was God's grace that I "happened" to take the Beyond Consequences Online Parenting Class right now. Although it's designed to help us more effectively parent children who've experienced trauma, I find it's helping me as I navigate my own trauma of going through a divorce. I also realize that as I live with my pain, I understand my children's pain more vividly.
Lately, I have been anything but an angel. I find myself having great difficulty even speaking civily with my husband. I pray for patience, and yet I so readily fly off the handle. When he leaves, I calm down, see the error of my ways, ask for forgiveness from him and/or the kids, evaluate my behavior and try to learn how to be more polite the next time.
Beyond Consequences teacher, Heather Forbes, talks about the amount of stress we can take before we blow up. She calls it the Window of Stress Tolerance. To illustrate this point, I want you to think of a bucket. It's got some water in the bottom which represents your life. There are a few rocks in there too, collected from the various problems one has. Now, most of us can carry the bucket around without difficulty. Water and a few rocks get added every day, but we know to stop, take some rocks out, pour out some of the water, and go on with our buckets.
Someone who is experiencing/has experienced trauma, has a much different scenario. They have a bucket that is nearly full before they even get out of bed. As soon as they wake up, they know they must lug that heavy bucket around everywhere they go. They are tired of the water sloshing out onto their pant leg all the time. They dread the problems they know will happen today. They always do. The bucket will get too heavy. It always does. They will stand there. Holding on to the bucket with two hands. Crying. Yelling. Frustrated.
Maybe, just maybe, an angel will come along. The angel will gently take the bucket from their grip. The angel will pour out the water onto some flowers, and take the rocks out to line a garden path. The angel will give them a hug, a cup of tea, sit and chat, and then send them on their way with a manageable bucket.
Although I am carrying around my own heavy bucket, I need to be the angel to my children.
Maybe I can even be the angel to myself.
(photos: my daughter and our dog - June 2009; flowers at the Abbey - July 2009)
4 comments:
I love reading your blog and looking at the pictures because they bring a sense of calmness and peace to me. I know you are going through some difficult things but I wanted to let you know that what you share helps others whether in writing or in the artwork of the pictures that you post. It seems to be the way of it, your story about the bucket holds true. I think that blessings are like flowers, we don't see them right away when we plant them but later on they begin to emerge gradually and we see the beauty that God works in us in our hard times. I hope that you keep sharing your writing and your pictures.
Blessings,
Lori
Dear Lori,
Thank you so much for visiting and leaving your kind words behind as a salve. You are playing angel to me!
I thought it was nice that after I published this post, the title was just over my daughter's head. In ways that I'm just discovering, she's my angel, too.
May you find peace and blessings in the most unexpected places today.
Deb
There is someone in my life, too, on a weekly basis, to whom I have trouble speaking civilly. I have repeatedly told myself, "If you ever stoop to potshots or name-calling, you've lost your fight. Not your fight with them (they're not really a worthy opponent, but just an annoyance), but with yourself." Well, I haven't name-called yet, but I do take an occasional potshot. Then I tell myself, "This person is a loser. Why are you wasting words on a fungus?" :-)
As you can see, I am years past the point of being able to love them.
I've learned (and this probably doesn't apply in your situation) that escape is the best form of fighting here, and I avoid their presence as much as possible, because I know that if I ever see them in just the right mood, it's all going to come out.
And I've also learned, through praying about this for years, and trying this and that approach, that there are people who are so thoroughly evil that there is absolutely no way that you can change your own behavior in order to have a good relationship with them. You are only 50%, and you have to have at least 1% of integrity on the other side for there to be hope.
But you're not always in a situation where you can see that and completely walk away, so they just continue to be a thorn in your side.
Well, I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one who struggles for patience, love, and self-control! :-)
Josie,
When I think of patience, love, and self-control; I can't help but think of what a paradox Jesus was. Think of His outrage at the moneychangers outside the temple and his subsequent turning over of the tables, driving the animals away, etc. Then think of His calmness and mercy in the situation with the adultress and the people who wanted to stone her.
One of my frequent prayers is to keep a God-pleasing balance between righteous indignation and forgiveness and mercy. So much easier to type than it is to actually live out!
Thanks for stopping by for a chat!
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