Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Beyond Consequences


I have been interested in learning more about adoption related abandonment issues. I recently heard of a 10-week online class about parenting children with challenging behaviors, and found out I could take the class for free if I promised to blog about it. Although in a round about way I'm being paid to blog, I promise to be honest about my thoughts on the course and the book we are using.

One purpose of the first class was to help us change our thinking about WHY our children misbehave. In order to do this we need to understand more about stress and how the brain works. A little bit of stress is useful, and most of us can cope with the stresses in our lives. If a car pulls out in front of us, we are sent into a state of heightened stress which enables us to react quickly and avoid an accident. After we slow down and keep a safe distance from the other car, we are able to modulate or regulate ourselves and get back to "normal".

But children who have experienced trauma in their lives can't deal with the same amount of stress. For them, the same car that has pulled out is like putting one of us in the middle of the race at the Indy 500. They quickly become overloaded or overwhelmed (dysregulated). If I were plopped into the middle of such a car race, there is no way I could observe the other drivers, glean from them how to navigate around the other cars, and blend in with the pack. And yet, often, I expect our daughter to observe others (or me), figure out how to deal with different situations, and just get with the program!, you know.

The author's contention is that if you peel back the misbehaviors, layer by layer, you will find at the core: fear. Fear of abandonment, for example, can be triggered by something that seems to have no correlation whatsoever. It's just that when the child is overwhelmed, they revert to their basic instinct of not being safe. A state of fear. The author also takes brain research from the past 20+ years and uses that to back up her claims of why the child automatically goes into a state of fear as a coping mechanism.

One of our homework assignments was to practice deep breathing so our bodies revert to it automatically when we are stressed. I have been teaching this to my children, and they've noticed the difference in their outlook right away. I want to keep practicing it when they're calm, in the hopes that it will instinctively be used when feeling overwhelmed.

I've read lots of parenting books in the course of my teaching career, and more recently as a parent. Years ago, I may have pooh-poohed this talk of fear-based behaviors. But experience has taught me that there's something to this...

The book:
Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control by Heather T. Forbes and B. Bryan Post
The Beyond Consequences Online Parenting Class is taught by Ms. Forbes.

(our happy daughter, playing her brother's guitar)

2 comments:

Lori said...

I've been reading your blog for quite a while and I enjoy reading the things you share. This particular post is quite meaningful to me as it isn't often addressed but it is so true for those with abandonment/attachment trauma issues. Fears of abandonment do arise seeminly out of nowhere or from something that seems totally not connected to it in anyway. It is hard on the one who has the abandonment issue as well as other family members.

The blessing in this is that God helps us as we walk through times like this. In our family I think we have learned to wait well and be patient with each other as we sort through what triggers it. In time we have seen that God carries us through the hard times. Some days it seems like a hard road but God is faithful through it all.

It sounds like this my be a good book.

Blessings,
Lori

Deb said...

Hi, Lori,

Thanks so much for visiting, and for commenting today! I looked at your blog for a bit and fell in love with the beautiful picture you have in the masthead. I'll have to stop by again and do some more reading.

So far, the book I'm reading is helpful. I'm thinking the female author might be a Christian, but the book itself isn't overtly Christian. She has written two more books by herself, but I haven't read them yet.

God does indeed carry us through. Now, I've just got to work on the patience part!