Love and Hate

Did you figure out what's in the photo? It's a close up of a bale of hay. The nuns at the abbey tended the field last spring and summer. They cut the hay, baled it, and are using it for their cattle. The hay brings its stored up nutrients to the cows, who in turn, provide nourishment to the nuns in the form of milk and beef. What are we nourishing our bodies with? We should be filling ourselves with the Bread of Life.

I hate and abhor lying,
But I love Your law.
Psalm 119-163 NKJV

The Beyond Consequences Online Parenting Class I've been taking dealt with lying recently. The statement was made, "Ignore the lie, but don't ignore the child." If you're like me, you're thinking, "Ignore the lie? No way! I don't want my child to grow up to be a liar! It's just plain wrong!" The class teacher, author Heather Forbes, later states that there is an implied thought in that sentence. Add the word temporarily at the beginning, to read, "Temporarily ignore the lie, but don't ignore the child." Forbes further elaborates on this thought.

"But you're saying by this point..., 'But what about the fact that my child is lying? How is he going to know that lying is wrong?' You are absolutely right; lying is wrong and the moral lesson of lying should be taught...it just cannot be taught in the heat of the moment due to the child's fear reactivity. Once the child is calm, and you're calm, perhaps an hour or later in the day, this behavior can be addressed with the child. Yet, in order for the child to absorb and fully understand that lying is wrong, the child has to be out of his fear state. His cognitive thinking pathways have to be clear and open. These pathways are engaged and fully operational only when a child is in a state of love. Remember, stress causes confused and distorted thinking, so the child must be in a calm state in order to be receptive to the rationale of why it is hurtful to lie."

"It is also important to recognize that stress suppresses short-term memory. Lecturing a child about lying during the stress of the moment will have little impact on the child's ability to remember not to lie in the future."
from Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control
by Heather T. Forbes & Bryan Post

In addition, instead of saying, "Don't lie," say, "I need you to always tell the truth." I've been consciously trying to formulate my statements to my children in this positive manner. It's also important to tell them that you can always work things out. You don't want them to think that because they've lied, you will mistrust/hate them forever. When you do come back to address the lie, let your child know you still love them, and you will fairly work out anything that may have to be undone by telling the lie.

God's Will

Fate. Destiny. Reality. Free will. God's will.

These are thoughts that consume man's mind, if he will but let them. Even a non-Christian will wrestle with these aspects of life on earth. They can be quite nebulous, just like the (accidental) photograph above. They are hard to figure out and difficult to grasp.

Perhaps that is why I, and so many other non-TV watchers, enjoy the TV show, Lost. Sure, the survivors on the island are dealing with the physical and emotional realities of being stranded on a mysterious island for most of the show's 5+ year tenure. But, the ideas of man's free will vs. God's will figure quite prominently in the story lines. (Or in the case of Lost, perhaps it's more accurate to say, the island's will.)

Some of these thoughts have served to make me most grateful that I am taking the Beyond Consequences Online Parenting Class right now. The class is not only helping me understand how to be a better parent, but it is helping me understand and process what's going on surrounding our divorce.

The chapter we've been reading for the past two weeks has to do with the fact that our own past hurts, anger, and unresolved issues are unearthed when you parent your children. The way I am able to apply it to my life has been a Godsend. It not only helps me as a mom, but the fact that much of it also applies to my divorce is what makes me believe that God's hand is in the convergence of this class and my current struggles.

Some of the thoughts I've gleaned from this chapter, which apply to both parenting challenges and going through a divorce, are:

~ Feelings of anger are normal and to be expected.
~ Current hurt unearths past hurt.
~ Anger can serve to protect you from painful memories.
~ Unchecked anger causes you to act out of fear, causes you to blame others, and becomes destructive.

The whole free will/God's will balance is one I don't think we'll ever adequately figure out, this side of heaven. I just know that because of the things this class has caused me to think about, my parenting is more effective. And, I'm better able to help steer both myself and my kids through this unpleasant sea of divorce.

Rejoice always,
pray without ceasing,
in everything give thanks;
for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
I Thessalonians 5: 16-18 NKJV

(photo taken by our daughter in a restaurant - we were being silly, and she must have moved)

Don't Give Up!

This evening I read through an old journal I started keeping about three years ago. At the time, I was looking for patterns in my effectiveness (or lack thereof) as a parent. During an especially trying time, I wrote this in my notebook: Don't give up!

I never gave up, and I never will.

As I journey down my current path towards divorce, I find that having patience in parenting is often easier these days. Some dreams have shattered into a million shards, and some of the past lies crumbled at my feet. And yet, God is extending grace and mercy to me and the kids through this difficult time. I wouldn't say that He started me down this path so that the kids and I would grow closer, but He is using it to cause growth and deep abiding love. I can praise Him in the brokenness and be content through the muck and mire.

These excerpts from our reading for the Beyond Consequences Online Parenting Class really spoke to me today:

"Parenting children with severe behaviors is not a simple job, yet it is a responsibility charged to us by God. It is a call to directly face our own fears, worries, and frustrations. Anytime those around us view our parenting struggles in a negative light, we are faced with the fear that perhaps we are not living up to the job bestowed upon us. Anytime we begin to feel as if we are ineffective parents, we are confronted with the fear of failing this calling."

"Children exhibiting severe behaviors present opportunities for us to find healing in places deep within the caverns of our hearts - dark places we never knew existed. They present us with the opportunity to make relational connections far greater than those known to mankind. While this may sound all too poetic and dripping with sugar and icing to you, it is the perspective from which we need to work and strive to attain in order to ultimately relate to our children. When a parent's heart is open and operating out of a place of love, the parent has the emotional capacity to be in the child's pain with him, instead of reacting against the child's pain and against the child."

Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control
Heather T. Forbes & B. Bryan Post

Today's journal entry?
Great day! Praise God!

Thank you, Lord, for giving me patience and understanding today. Thank you for being my Rock and Shield when I felt utter despair over the losses in my life. Thank you for the blessing of my two precious children.

(photo: notebook entry 6-21-07)

The Angel

It was God's grace that I "happened" to take the Beyond Consequences Online Parenting Class right now. Although it's designed to help us more effectively parent children who've experienced trauma, I find it's helping me as I navigate my own trauma of going through a divorce. I also realize that as I live with my pain, I understand my children's pain more vividly.

Lately, I have been anything but an angel. I find myself having great difficulty even speaking civily with my husband. I pray for patience, and yet I so readily fly off the handle. When he leaves, I calm down, see the error of my ways, ask for forgiveness from him and/or the kids, evaluate my behavior and try to learn how to be more polite the next time.

Beyond Consequences teacher, Heather Forbes, talks about the amount of stress we can take before we blow up. She calls it the Window of Stress Tolerance. To illustrate this point, I want you to think of a bucket. It's got some water in the bottom which represents your life. There are a few rocks in there too, collected from the various problems one has. Now, most of us can carry the bucket around without difficulty. Water and a few rocks get added every day, but we know to stop, take some rocks out, pour out some of the water, and go on with our buckets.

Someone who is experiencing/has experienced trauma, has a much different scenario. They have a bucket that is nearly full before they even get out of bed. As soon as they wake up, they know they must lug that heavy bucket around everywhere they go. They are tired of the water sloshing out onto their pant leg all the time. They dread the problems they know will happen today. They always do. The bucket will get too heavy. It always does. They will stand there. Holding on to the bucket with two hands. Crying. Yelling. Frustrated.

Maybe, just maybe, an angel will come along. The angel will gently take the bucket from their grip. The angel will pour out the water onto some flowers, and take the rocks out to line a garden path. The angel will give them a hug, a cup of tea, sit and chat, and then send them on their way with a manageable bucket.



Although I am carrying around my own heavy bucket, I need to be the angel to my children.

Maybe I can even be the angel to myself.

(photos: my daughter and our dog - June 2009; flowers at the Abbey - July 2009)

Beyond Consequences

I have been interested in learning more about adoption related abandonment issues. I recently heard of a 10-week online class about parenting children with challenging behaviors, and found out I could take the class for free if I promised to blog about it. Although in a round about way I'm being paid to blog, I promise to be honest about my thoughts on the course and the book we are using.

One purpose of the first class was to help us change our thinking about WHY our children misbehave. In order to do this we need to understand more about stress and how the brain works. A little bit of stress is useful, and most of us can cope with the stresses in our lives. If a car pulls out in front of us, we are sent into a state of heightened stress which enables us to react quickly and avoid an accident. After we slow down and keep a safe distance from the other car, we are able to modulate or regulate ourselves and get back to "normal".

But children who have experienced trauma in their lives can't deal with the same amount of stress. For them, the same car that has pulled out is like putting one of us in the middle of the race at the Indy 500. They quickly become overloaded or overwhelmed (dysregulated). If I were plopped into the middle of such a car race, there is no way I could observe the other drivers, glean from them how to navigate around the other cars, and blend in with the pack. And yet, often, I expect our daughter to observe others (or me), figure out how to deal with different situations, and just get with the program!, you know.

The author's contention is that if you peel back the misbehaviors, layer by layer, you will find at the core: fear. Fear of abandonment, for example, can be triggered by something that seems to have no correlation whatsoever. It's just that when the child is overwhelmed, they revert to their basic instinct of not being safe. A state of fear. The author also takes brain research from the past 20+ years and uses that to back up her claims of why the child automatically goes into a state of fear as a coping mechanism.

One of our homework assignments was to practice deep breathing so our bodies revert to it automatically when we are stressed. I have been teaching this to my children, and they've noticed the difference in their outlook right away. I want to keep practicing it when they're calm, in the hopes that it will instinctively be used when feeling overwhelmed.

I've read lots of parenting books in the course of my teaching career, and more recently as a parent. Years ago, I may have pooh-poohed this talk of fear-based behaviors. But experience has taught me that there's something to this...

The book:
Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control by Heather T. Forbes and B. Bryan Post
The Beyond Consequences Online Parenting Class is taught by Ms. Forbes.

(our happy daughter, playing her brother's guitar)