In All Things

Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
I Thessalonians 5:18

When you say your wedding vows, you have a misguided youthful optimism that the "for poorer," "for worse," and "in sickness" will all be minimal, short-lived, and bearable. But when you feel as bashed upon the rocks as this water from a mountain stream, you must still give thanks in all circumstances.

(photo taken by my son on a weekend camping trip with our church)

In the Middle

And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm Reliance on the Protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.
Final sentence in the Declaration of Independence

One week ago today was my 30th anniversary. One week from today, I will be divorced. I am in the middle of two very difficult days. The first milestone was one I yearned to reach and surpass, my parents not making it to 25 years. The second condition was one I never wanted to experience, nor even utter aloud. And yet, here I stand. Not understanding why God has allowed this to happen. Yet praying earnestly that I will be faithful to Him through it all.

Last Monday evening I was surrounded by dear, precious family and friends. Preparing for the occasion kept me busy all the day long. The love and prayers poured out for me and my two children served to carry me through, not only on the day itself, but for several days beyond.

God gave me a tangible reminder that I am not alone. Even in my darkest hours, He is with me. I thank and praise God for those who have walked with me down this difficult path, pledging their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.

(Our fireworks were cancelled last evening, due to rain. I think that these flowers serve as an even better show, created by our Heavenly Father, and currently residing in the front yard.)

God's Will

Fate. Destiny. Reality. Free will. God's will.

These are thoughts that consume man's mind, if he will but let them. Even a non-Christian will wrestle with these aspects of life on earth. They can be quite nebulous, just like the (accidental) photograph above. They are hard to figure out and difficult to grasp.

Perhaps that is why I, and so many other non-TV watchers, enjoy the TV show, Lost. Sure, the survivors on the island are dealing with the physical and emotional realities of being stranded on a mysterious island for most of the show's 5+ year tenure. But, the ideas of man's free will vs. God's will figure quite prominently in the story lines. (Or in the case of Lost, perhaps it's more accurate to say, the island's will.)

Some of these thoughts have served to make me most grateful that I am taking the Beyond Consequences Online Parenting Class right now. The class is not only helping me understand how to be a better parent, but it is helping me understand and process what's going on surrounding our divorce.

The chapter we've been reading for the past two weeks has to do with the fact that our own past hurts, anger, and unresolved issues are unearthed when you parent your children. The way I am able to apply it to my life has been a Godsend. It not only helps me as a mom, but the fact that much of it also applies to my divorce is what makes me believe that God's hand is in the convergence of this class and my current struggles.

Some of the thoughts I've gleaned from this chapter, which apply to both parenting challenges and going through a divorce, are:

~ Feelings of anger are normal and to be expected.
~ Current hurt unearths past hurt.
~ Anger can serve to protect you from painful memories.
~ Unchecked anger causes you to act out of fear, causes you to blame others, and becomes destructive.

The whole free will/God's will balance is one I don't think we'll ever adequately figure out, this side of heaven. I just know that because of the things this class has caused me to think about, my parenting is more effective. And, I'm better able to help steer both myself and my kids through this unpleasant sea of divorce.

Rejoice always,
pray without ceasing,
in everything give thanks;
for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
I Thessalonians 5: 16-18 NKJV

(photo taken by our daughter in a restaurant - we were being silly, and she must have moved)

Don't Give Up!

This evening I read through an old journal I started keeping about three years ago. At the time, I was looking for patterns in my effectiveness (or lack thereof) as a parent. During an especially trying time, I wrote this in my notebook: Don't give up!

I never gave up, and I never will.

As I journey down my current path towards divorce, I find that having patience in parenting is often easier these days. Some dreams have shattered into a million shards, and some of the past lies crumbled at my feet. And yet, God is extending grace and mercy to me and the kids through this difficult time. I wouldn't say that He started me down this path so that the kids and I would grow closer, but He is using it to cause growth and deep abiding love. I can praise Him in the brokenness and be content through the muck and mire.

These excerpts from our reading for the Beyond Consequences Online Parenting Class really spoke to me today:

"Parenting children with severe behaviors is not a simple job, yet it is a responsibility charged to us by God. It is a call to directly face our own fears, worries, and frustrations. Anytime those around us view our parenting struggles in a negative light, we are faced with the fear that perhaps we are not living up to the job bestowed upon us. Anytime we begin to feel as if we are ineffective parents, we are confronted with the fear of failing this calling."

"Children exhibiting severe behaviors present opportunities for us to find healing in places deep within the caverns of our hearts - dark places we never knew existed. They present us with the opportunity to make relational connections far greater than those known to mankind. While this may sound all too poetic and dripping with sugar and icing to you, it is the perspective from which we need to work and strive to attain in order to ultimately relate to our children. When a parent's heart is open and operating out of a place of love, the parent has the emotional capacity to be in the child's pain with him, instead of reacting against the child's pain and against the child."

Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control
Heather T. Forbes & B. Bryan Post

Today's journal entry?
Great day! Praise God!

Thank you, Lord, for giving me patience and understanding today. Thank you for being my Rock and Shield when I felt utter despair over the losses in my life. Thank you for the blessing of my two precious children.

(photo: notebook entry 6-21-07)

Strength Through the Limping

Writing today's date on our white board in the school room gave me a tinge of sadness. Today is five months until what would have been our 30th wedding anniversary. There are no plans being made for jetting off happily to Hawaii. (More realistically,) there will be no nice dinner out. Not even a quick trip to Taco Bell together. No looking together through our wedding pictures and reminiscing. No well wishes from family. No lingering kisses. No rejoicing.

We will limp towards the day, most likely still legally married. But, unfortunately, on the road to becoming another statistic.

God ordains marriage to be a covenant. He is in the midst of the two who are joined as one. It is a mystical, intangible cementing together of two individuals. Two souls becoming something new.

Tearing it apart is painful beyond belief.

And yet, God has His arms wrapped around me. He holds on tight, never letting go.

...I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4: 12-13 NIV

(I know this looks like a yellow board! It's just my camera phone...)

The Angel

It was God's grace that I "happened" to take the Beyond Consequences Online Parenting Class right now. Although it's designed to help us more effectively parent children who've experienced trauma, I find it's helping me as I navigate my own trauma of going through a divorce. I also realize that as I live with my pain, I understand my children's pain more vividly.

Lately, I have been anything but an angel. I find myself having great difficulty even speaking civily with my husband. I pray for patience, and yet I so readily fly off the handle. When he leaves, I calm down, see the error of my ways, ask for forgiveness from him and/or the kids, evaluate my behavior and try to learn how to be more polite the next time.

Beyond Consequences teacher, Heather Forbes, talks about the amount of stress we can take before we blow up. She calls it the Window of Stress Tolerance. To illustrate this point, I want you to think of a bucket. It's got some water in the bottom which represents your life. There are a few rocks in there too, collected from the various problems one has. Now, most of us can carry the bucket around without difficulty. Water and a few rocks get added every day, but we know to stop, take some rocks out, pour out some of the water, and go on with our buckets.

Someone who is experiencing/has experienced trauma, has a much different scenario. They have a bucket that is nearly full before they even get out of bed. As soon as they wake up, they know they must lug that heavy bucket around everywhere they go. They are tired of the water sloshing out onto their pant leg all the time. They dread the problems they know will happen today. They always do. The bucket will get too heavy. It always does. They will stand there. Holding on to the bucket with two hands. Crying. Yelling. Frustrated.

Maybe, just maybe, an angel will come along. The angel will gently take the bucket from their grip. The angel will pour out the water onto some flowers, and take the rocks out to line a garden path. The angel will give them a hug, a cup of tea, sit and chat, and then send them on their way with a manageable bucket.



Although I am carrying around my own heavy bucket, I need to be the angel to my children.

Maybe I can even be the angel to myself.

(photos: my daughter and our dog - June 2009; flowers at the Abbey - July 2009)